Belligerence certainly helps. And there’s a requisite paranoia. There’s fear—fear of failure—and an overwhelming urge to be liked.
We assume others show love the same way we do, and if they don’t, we worry it’s not there.
All of this. Every single word.
I think that despite falling for different people over the years, I’ve stayed true to what’s important to me in what I look for in a person. The essential aspects. Not the money, the job, the clothes, the car.. but the things that truly matter. That they’re good to me, they love their family, they live life to the fullest, and that the moments we have together are the kind, worthy of being in films.
But in the same breath, it’s slightly terrifying for me to actually be in a relationship that’s gone on this long. This is the longest it’s been in years. Sometimes, I don’t know how I’m supposed to act and everything feels painfully new. But then there are moments when we’re together where it all sort of clicks. And we’re really good together. And sometimes I kill it at this girlfriend thing like surprising him 15 minutes before with tickets to The Naked and Famous/Imagine Dragons concert. And then I think that maybe I can do this.. maybe I can be with someone and I can trust them. Maybe I can let myself be happy.
DISCLOSURE: This is gonna be a long one.
I’m at a place where I can finally say that I’m starting to live the life that I’ve always dreamed of.
It’s taken a lot to get to this point.. but even though I’ve cried a lot (as every creative type does), drank too much coffee/beer/ginger ale (the liquid triad), smoked too much weed, and slept far too little (RE: 3 hours a night on average).. it’s been worth it.
To quote from the irrefutably talented Childish Gambino:
And my friends come and ask me if it’s worth it,
I tell them that it better be, I did this shit on purpose.
And I have. This is everything I’ve ever wanted and it’s only the beginning. I know that I always talk about the experiences I’ve had and how incredible they’ve been. But to actually sit for a moment, to still the swirling thoughts in my head and just reminisce.. I’ve been so incredibly lucky for the opportunities that have come my way.
I haven’t been posting much in the way of these rambling thought type entries mostly because of the whirlwind that my life took the shape of in the past six months.
2013, you were a fantastic, wonderful, gift of a year that I wasn’t expecting and up until the end you kept surprising me with things I never could have believed.
Highlights (a few) from August-December ‘13:
- working my first full tv show
- meeting a prominent, award winning, Hollywood director and learning from him on set
- becoming friends with the A-list male lead of said tv show
- being chosen as a semi-finalist in the Crazy8s
- working my first MOW
- working my first feature, one that I was willing to do anything to get onto but somehow lucked into it instead from a guy I met on the MOW
- meeting Seth, Evan, James, Diana, and Randall (yea, I’m first-name dropping.. sue me)
- meeting a really really REALLY great guy on that feature, on my first day. We hit it off from the first minute of meeting each other and became friends…due to extenuating circumstances, we didn’t end up seeing each other for a month after those first two days…went back to work and he remembered me. Not only did he remember me but he asked me out and we’ve been together ever since.
Which brings me to something that deserves a paragraph of its own. This is without a doubt, the longest that I’ve been with someone in…years. The longest I’ve exclusively decided to see someone in I can’t even remember. And I’m truly happy being with him. Sometimes it scares me and makes me a nervous, insecure, wreck to know that everything I’m feeling… I’m feeling tenfold. But when it’s good with him? It’s perfect. I spent a movie-worthy winter holiday and New Years Eve with him and for someone who’s first love is film, that’s a big deal.
It feels weird to me to say “I’m happy” and mean that with 100% of my being. It’s a concept that I haven’t had much experience with for the majority of years I’ve had.. it was a concept, an idea, to me. But right now, in my life, I’m so very happy.
I always used to hate when people would ask “where do you see yourself in five years?” because I never knew the answer. I would bullshit some sort of “Oh I’d like to be doing this and seeing where that takes me but ultimately just having a path and being financially secure and in a place where I can continue to climb the ladder to positions that would…etc.” But now, I hope that someone comes to ask me that question. I really want someone to ask me where I see myself in five years. Because the answer is that I don’t know and that’s exciting to me. So much has happened in the past year alone that really, in five years, anything could happen. The possibilities are endless.
On the process of editing:
"I can almost set my watch by how I’m going to feel at different stages of the process. It’s always identical, whether the movie ends up working or not. I think when you watch the dailies, the film that you shoot every day, you’re very excited by it and very optimistic about how it’s going to work. And when you see it the first time you put the film together, the roughest cut, is when you want to go home and open up your veins and get in a warm tub and just go away. And then it gradually, maybe, works its way back, somewhere toward that spot you were at before."
All of the above.
"You have to be absolutely dedicated to the work, you have to give everything of yourself, and you have to protect the spark of connection that drove you to make the picture in the first place. You have to protect it with your life. In the past, because making movies was so expensive, we had to protect against exhaustion and compromise. In the future, you’ll have to steel yourself against something else: the temptation to go with the flow, and allow the movie to drift and float away."
I’ve decided to start a new thing wherein I write down the bits of film advice that I think are the most inspirational and relevant to my life. Hopefully this will force me to stay motivated and keep being inspired on a daily basis.
"If you can find a script that you think you can make work, don’t do that film! Make the film that you love. When you find a film that you love, every molecule of your being will be moving in the direction of making the best film you can possibly make. This should be your default mode of operation.”